Eirene is Jed Chun's personal blog, hosted by Joy Is Found. It's a reflective blog that he started with the intention of finding joy and renewing his awe of God in his everyday life as well as the places and things that are around him. He explores a variety of topics in relation to faith such as food, mental health, travel and relationships.
Somewhere in Osaka, Japan. Camera: Canon 6D Lens: Sigma 105mm 2.8 Macro
A few months ago, I received my first invitation to speak as a professional-ish person; I’d been asked to do a workshop at a youth camp for some of the churches in the area. It wasn’t exactly under the circumstances that I had imagined, but of course God continues to work even in the most unlikely of times. I always thought that God would never put me in this position until I had gotten my crap together and, when that invitation did come, I’d be on fire and ready. This was not the case. I don’t know if you’ve been reading my recent blog posts, but I was definitely not in the best of places (spiritually or emotionally) when I got this invitation. I contemplated not taking it, but given their circumstances, I thought to myself, “Well I’m not giving the main message, it’s just a workshop on college. I could, at the very least, do a decent job, even if I didn’t feel empowered by the Spirit.” I realize it wasn’t the best attitude to have, but it was an obligation for part of my job/organization and responsibilities are a thing, much to my chagrin. That said, praise God that he works even when our intentions are less than ideal.
As I got into my car to make the two hour drive out that Saturday morning, my heart was restless and peace was nowhere to be found (not that it had been at peace during the weeks leading up to this event anyway). I had pretty much figured out what I was going to say and I had a general outline of where I’d be going, I just needed to get it down on paper. Luckily, I had some time before my workshop to sit and reflect. Yet, as I reflected on what I was going to share, I felt an unnerving sense of incongruence. I was going to speak about getting involved in a spiritual community and finding accountability, the two things that I had chosen to willingly neglect around that time. I couldn’t shake this feeling of hypocrisy, but I’d run out of time to mull over it and I had a workshop to give. As I spoke I felt the familiar feeling of the Spirit flow out with the words I was speaking, and it was very apparent the words I spoke were not my own. Soon enough, it was over, and it seemed that I’d fulfilled my responsibility and I was just going to take it easy for the rest of the day.
That was not the case. God decided he wasn’t quite done with me yet. Generally, most speakers consider it flattering for someone to request to speak with them after a workshop but, given my emotional situation, I was more apprehensive than anything. Well, I must admit that I was a little excited, but I wasn’t exactly sure if I had any more spiritual energy left to give, clearly forgetting that there’s a never ending wellspring of that stuff inside me. In any case, free time came around and I found myself sitting across from one of the counselors who had been in my workshop (a college student). As they started to share their experiences and their current struggles with me, there was an acute realization that God had orchestrated all of this, not just for this student, but for myself as well. I found myself utterly conflicted as they confessed to me their deepest insecurities and sins with me - How could I speak hope and truth into their life when I would not accept those same truths myself? The person before me was so honestly broken over their sins, so deeply conflicted about their salvation - “How could God still love me after all I’ve done?” was the question they had asked.
Despite this being a few months ago, I very clearly remember what I was feeling during that moment. The soul-piercing, stab-you-in-the-heart feeling of utter conviction (if you’ve ever watched anime, I’d liken this experience to the cut-to-black-and-white-glass-shatter-sound-effect moment) was a bit overwhelming. As I fished for the words to respond to this student, the question “Remember when you were this broken about your sins?” repeated constantly in my mind. And in that moment, the Word of God spoke, and put words to the anguish in our hearts:
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Psalm 51:1 - 12
I don’t know if the student could see that I was just as embattled as they were, but the hope for the repentant heart is peace that transcends understanding. In our repentance, the reality of God’s grace and forgiveness becomes ever more apparent and He reminds us of his steadfast love and faithfulness. As God spoke the following words to this student, I knew that those words were directed to me and all those who have experienced what it is like to come face to face with their iniquities and insufficiency:
Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73: 23-26