Eirene is Jed Chun's personal blog, hosted by Joy Is Found. It's a reflective blog that he started with the intention of finding joy and renewing his awe of God in his everyday life as well as the places and things that are around him. He explores a variety of topics in relation to faith such as food, mental health, travel and relationships.
Somewhere in Osaka, Japan. Camera: Canon 6D Lens: Sigma 105mm 2.8 Macro
I’ve finally found myself on the other side of the fence of employment and the transition has been, well, more difficult than I had initially thought. I think that the best way to describe what I’ve been feeling is that I have a strong desire to repeatedly bang my head against a wall. The last year or so has really put me in a strange place of frustration. As far as work is concerned, I feel that I’ve begun to feel extremely apathetic (I think that’s an oxymoron but whatever). It’s also been a struggle for me to really sit down and process all the changes that are happening in my life. I guess it’s one of the side-effects of working a typical work day or an emotionally demanding job but, by the time I get home from work, I really don’t want to do anything productive or even remotely mentally/emotionally stimulating. The combination of physical exhaustion and emotional emptiness has really begun to wear away at me, especially since I’ve been avoiding the emotional/spiritual reflection that I usually use to regulate my thoughts and mood.
They say that you often become like the people you spend the most time with, and as a therapist who deals with a lot of depression, I think I’ve become a little depressed. Motivation and purpose? Meh. Social interaction? I try. Community? Minimal. Relationship with God? Mediocre at best. Fatigue/Tiredness? Definitely. Pleasurable activities? Gaming probably makes me more irritated than anything (/tilted). I look at my paychecks and think “Man, I wish I made more money.” Sometimes I sit around in my room and think to myself “it’d be so nice to have my own place?” Look at my driveway and wonder, “when am I gonna be able to get my sports car?” Turn on my computer and think “maybe it’s time for an upgrade.” Edit the pictures I’ve taken “I need to get a better lens/camera.” Eat dinner alone and think “I should have someone to share meals with by now.” Check my newsfeed, “man I just want to travel right now.” At the end of every day I wonder what there is to look forward to for the rest of the week.
Looking at my situation I really should be thankful, especially considering how much God has been providing for me but it’s crazy how quickly the shadows of discontentment can come creeping back up. Before I took this job, I thought that I would have the opportunity to finally get my spiritual disciplines in order and put an end to all of this since I would have a lot of down time during the commute to work (I take public transportation). However, things have not played out the way that I had imagined, or hoped, it would. The general feeling of fatigue in the morning results in long naps on the bus and, by the time I get off work, the fatigued feeling returns. Reading and meditation has continued to be difficult which contributes to this perpetual cycle of spiritual emptiness. Perhaps prayer has been something that I’ve been able to hold on to, but even that is hanging on by a thread. At the heart of all this, I know that this distance from God is playing a significant role in this continued frustration and discontentment.
At the core of it, I think I really need to go back to my post last year and ask myself “Is God enough?” And right now, as much as I know that answer needs to be yes, I know that is not the current state of my heart. I know the solution to what I’m experiencing, but I can never sustain the changes I try to implement in my life. Often I ask God why he didn’t give me a personality that was more resilient or diligent. Why couldn’t have I been one of those people who can somehow find the drive to do what needs to be done, to be able to get out of a rut through logic and reasoning alone? I can remind myself that the only way to rediscover my joy is to be content and find fulfillment in cultivating a relationship with the God who grants me breathe every morning, but when I can’t actively feel the changes I expect, I just shut down again.
Honestly, I was hoping that at the end of these reflections my heart would change and that there would be some great epiphany that would motivate me to get out of this ditch and bring me back to a peaceful and more fruitful relationship with God, but it feels like there is something just out of reach that is keeping me from moving forward. All I know is that somewhere in the turmoil of my spirit the presence of God remains and there is hope in the knowledge that He is holding on to me still. So this is my prayer:
Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”
As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.
The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Psalm 16 (ESV)