Eirene is Jed Chun's personal blog, hosted by Joy Is Found. It's a reflective blog that he started with the intention of finding joy and renewing his awe of God in his everyday life as well as the places and things that are around him. He explores a variety of topics in relation to faith such as food, mental health, travel and relationships.
Rocky Mountain Lake, Wanaka, NZ. Camera: Canon 5D Mk IV Lens: Tamron 24-70 F2.8 G2
I realize at this point I’m a few months behind on my blog posts. It’s not as if I don’t’ have anything to write about or haven’t written anything down; I’ve just lacked some clarity lately that’s prevented me from finishing a new post. Sometimes though, inspiration hits you just right and me recently turning 28 provided necessary push to actually finish a blog post.
I guess this reflection should have started when I turned 27 but, to be honest, I can’t really remember what I was doing this time last year (though according to Facebook, it seems like my extended family was visiting and we had what looked like a pretty tasty meal). Needless to say, 2020 has so far shaped up to be a pretty crazy year. I had expected something crazy to happen during my lifetime, but I always thought that it would come sometime down the road during my later years. Yet here we are in the middle of a pandemic and, as the world seems to slow down around me, I feel like not much has changed. I started the year off “pulling a Jed” as my friends would say – quitting my job and spontaneously going on a prolonged trip which, speaking of, feels like it was ages ago (it really was less than six months ago). Once again I find myself in search of a full-time job, looking to make “progress” with my life, and exploring the world of online dating while generally sitting at home and not doing much else productive. Once again, I find myself frustrated with God and the trajectory my life has taken (an entirely separate blog post likely coming soon…maybe).
Despite the perceived monotony that is my life, as I reflected on this past year, I realized that a lot has happened in my life ranging from things that I enjoyed and learned to things that I can definitively say have challenged me and helped me grow. From food adventures in Seattle to downpours in New Zealand, the year leading up to my 28th birthday was at least somewhat adventure filled or, at the very least, was able to fill my stomach. From the despair of almost losing years’ worth of work to the hope of starting a non-profit, I discovered a patience and understanding I had no Idea I was capable of. From excitement to disappointment, I realized that, while I continue to struggle in my faith, I am held fast and can resolve to maintain the promises I’ve kept with God. And through interpersonal conflicts and trials of character, there comes a humility in understanding that I am not as capable as I thought I was – and when it comes to life, there is so much left to learn.
At the same time, me turning 28 has come with a more acute feeling and awareness of aging – and with it comes concerns about my future. There is a funny kind of irony in being a therapist and espousing the need to not compare yourself with others and then find yourself doing just that: comparing yourself to others and thinking that, once again, you just don’t measure up. I know that in the grand scheme of things I am still considered relatively “young” but there are times when I still feel like I’m behind, as if there was some prize or competition to be won. In the midst of finding a relationship, developing my career, and achieving financial stability, I often wonder if anything I’m doing will ever amount to anything. Being completely honest, the issue at the forefront of my thoughts right now is “will everything be ok?”. I recently had a conversation with a friend about how they felt “un-Christian” because they’ve been struggling with anxiety. In the process of trying to help them sort it out, I realized that, in a way, that’s what I struggle with from time to time, too. “Am I good enough?” “Do people care?” “Does what I do matter?” “Am I making a difference?” “Will I get where I want to go?” “Is this the life I was meant to live?” The list of questions goes on. While I am confident in my faith, I also realized that I struggle with worrying and have doubts as well (though the latter is not really being new to me, more so a reminder). I guess where I’m trying to go with all of this is that the reality is we all have these moments of anxiety and doubt – whether we are Christian or not. For me, this realization also leads to another critical question: What do I do, in light of the Gospel, in light of grace and the life I’ve been given, and how do I approach the future - another year? On my birthday, my mom asked me if I had any resolutions for the next year, and I told her “Nope, it’s just going to be another boring year.” But, between then and now, it feels as if my soul has been roused and is telling me that there is a satisfaction and a peace that I have yet to fully understand. I feel as though my perpetual struggle is the pessimism and cynicism that often overtakes me – feelings that are antithetical to the Gospel I claim to believe. Despite this, I know that there is yet a hope that pervades everything I do and I can’t seem to escape it. To me, it seems that there’s still room to grow in my faith (not that I ever questioned that) and space to really let that connection between this inner hope and my feelings be wholly realized and integrated. Perhaps that’s what 28 will be - or rather, what I should resolve for it to be: to acknowledge and reconcile the hope that I have with the cynicism that bedevils me. I guess I at the heart of it, God is asking “Do you trust me?” and my non-committal answers aren’t going to cut it anymore.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.“
1 Peter 5:7-10 (ESV)