Post By: Gabe Lee
Dating. That topic itself deserves to be a study in its own cultural class - how it has changed over the years to what it has become today. It is an interesting topic for all people, because dating, and by extension, marriage, has crossed the minds of every single person who has lived on this earth.
I am single, at the moment I am writing this post. I have dated in the past, so it’s not like I had zero experience dating. At this point of my life, dating and marriage are subjects that are brought up constantly by my friends and family. It’s always...
“Are you dating?” (they say this all quickly and smiley)
"…. oh no?” (suddenly, their smile vanishes and turns into a pity smile)
…… It’s okay, you’re still young. You have plenty of time. Plus, you are not tied down at this moment.”
I can see their thought process. First, they are disappointed that I am not dating, but then they quickly try to spin it off as a good thing. I understand. No one wants to feel lonely. I certainly do not either.
Many friends with good intentions have brought up the possibility of online dating, on sites like Coffee Meets Bagel as opposed to sites like Tinder. One friend even told me, “there are so many quality girls on online dating, but not enough quality guys.” Before, I always just answered no. But as the number of inquiries increased, I realized that I needed to have good reasons for not jumping into online dating.
Here are my thoughts. Do not take these as God’s will, as this is certainly my personal opinion. There is no black-and-white answer. However, I do try to base my opinions off of God’s Word, because I should make all decisions based on Scripture. I have certainly seen God use online dating to bring two quality Christians together in marriage. As much as I avoid online dating for myself, I cannot deny the sovereignty of God in bringing others together through that medium. Everyone comes from a different background, and here is why I choose not to use online dating for myself. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned. Even so, this is not an opinion that is set in stone either. This is not a hill I feel compelled to die for. I may or may not be open to online dating in the near future, but as of now, I will decide to stay my stance.
1. The bible recommends singleness in our pursuit of God
Paul states in 1 Corinthians 7:38 this: "So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better." Shortly before in verses 31-35, Paul explains that an unmarried man can devote more attention to God than a married man, who has to “divide his interests” between God and his wife. The opposite holds true as well. Paul is not saying that marriage is bad. Nor is he saying that singleness guarantees rewards. He is saying that in whatever life stage you are at, you should be pursuing God (1 Corinthians 7:26, 10:31). The only advantage of singleness is that you have more time and energy to devote yourself to God. The question is, are you doing that?
This is the real question you should be asking yourself when you join online dating. In fact, this is a question I would ask anyone who wants to date, period. Are you currently using your time wisely to pursue God?
I know for myself, I can hold relationships, dating, and marriage as idols in my life. I pursue these more than I pursue God. I will admit that I struggle with loneliness, and that the excitement of meeting and dating new people online would satisfy, albeit temporarily, that longing for companionship. This idolization of relationships makes me think that if I just start dating or get married, then all these things in my life that were missing before would be fixed. If this is the mindset I have coming into dating, then I have already focused my heart on the relationship, and not on pursuing God.
If the bible recommends singleness in my pursuit of God, then I should feel convicted to spend my time and energy to do that: to know and worship God. Is that not the end goal of marriage anyways? To know and worship God deeper. If Paul states that it is better to be single in our pursuit of God, then I must put my faith in God as I pursue Him now, knowing that God has my future in His hands.
2. Online dating takes away the leap of faith to ask a girl out
I have no bible verses to support this one, though you might be able to stretch male leadership and initiative into this concept.
There is something precious about a man stepping out in faith to ask a girl out on a date. Online dating easily connects two people who both already have the mindset (if not consciously, then subconsciously) of wanting to figure out - is this person datable? Tell me, guys, if the girl you liked was looking to date and willing to go on a first date, would that not push you towards asking her out? There is something about taking that step of faith, through much prayer and thought, that I believe every man should go through with the Lord. It puts the man in a vulnerable state, humbles him, and positions him into the mindset of service towards the girl.
I also believe in learning from rejection - to understand that not everything will go your way. Sometimes, it takes a painful reminder to remind yourself that you are ultimately not in control of everything. Rejection teaches the man to respect a girl’s opinion. It teaches him that loving someone is not always peachy. But most importantly, it shows him the stark contrast of how much God continues to love and pursue us, even though we reject Him over and over again.
3. I still find ways to meet new people outside of online dating
Online dating, when used properly, is a great way to meet new people. But for me personally, I do not feel the need to expand my network that way. I love meeting new people. However, I will admit that I am shy. I am not confident enough to simply start a lengthy conversation with a stranger or break into a new circle. I usually take my sweet time to build my relationships. So then, how do I meet new people? I place myself in positions where I am forced to do so. I visit my friends’ churches. I attend hangouts and gatherings where I only know one or two people. I put myself into a place where I am a new face, so that I have to initiate small talk with the people around me.
If I still have the energy and the breadth to meet new people, then I feel like a tool like online dating would be poorly used by me. I feel as though I would be excusing myself from trusting that one day, God would allow me to meet the right girl. It excuses me from asking out girls I know and meet personally on a coffee “date", simply just to get to know her better, without any strings attached (do people do that anymore?). I do not need online dating… yet.
4. I prefer to be set up by friends than by searching for a good match on my own terms
When you go online and swipe through your list of potentials, aren’t you simply trying to see if they match a certain criteria? Now, it is important to know what you want, but do you ever doubt your decisions? I know I do. I doubt what I want some times because I know that my mind can be easily tainted by idealism. You know, the idea of the perfect girl. The Emma Stone or Rachel McAdams of my life….
I trust my close friends. They know me. They have seen me at my worst and at my best. They can describe me better than I can do myself sometimes. Hence, I will trust them if they have truly given some thought to the type of girl who would compliment me. The key word is “thought.” I won’t take them seriously if they are just pitting two single people together because they fit the right age range. I can do that myself.
When you use online dating, who is really vouching for the two of you? Who really knows the both of you well enough to affirm your relationship? If you meet someone through online dating and are considering a serious relationship with this person, I highly recommend having your friends or family meet him or her as soon as possible. The advice and support you gain from your circles can only benefit you.
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These are my personal reasons why I choose not to use online dating. Again, I am not saying that online dating is wrong. I do not discourage people to use it. It is a tool like any other tool. Think about the internet. It is a wonderful tool where you can find information, shop, and connect with friends. However, the internet can also be used for pornography, selling drugs, and bashing on people behind their backs. The tool itself is not bad. It is all about intention, the heart behind the person using the tool.
I encourage you to look at why you would consider using online dating. What are your intentions? Is it God-glorifying? What are you looking for specifically? I would counsel you the same way I would counsel a high school student who likes this girl in his class. Are you ready to date? What makes you ready? If you are not dating, is there a good reason why you are not? These are all important questions to ask yourself.
I found that online dating is just not for me at this time of my life. Maybe down the line. Maybe never. Who knows. My encouragement for you is to search your heart as well. Ask for advice from your friends and family. Ask them hard questions. “Do you think I am ready to date?” “What can I work on to improve my walk with Christ?” “How can I serve you better?” All these are questions that will help you not only in your dating life, but also in your personal life. Be faithful. Be prayerful. And most of all, never lose your trust in the God whom you serve and love.
Gabe is a follower of Christ, who believes in the authority of Scripture and the importance of biblical counseling. He currently works full-time as a software consultant and joyfully serves in various capacities at his local church.