Eirene is Jed Chun's personal blog, hosted by Joy Is Found. It's a reflective blog that he started with the intention of finding joy and renewing his awe of God in his everyday life as well as the places and things that are around him. He explores a variety of topics in relation to faith such as food, mental health, travel and relationships.
Kai Tak Cruise Terminal, Hong Kong. Camera: Canon 6D Lens: Canon 70-200mm f/2.8L II USM
Therapy is hard work. People are difficult, unreasonable, frustrating, and impossible to please. On top of that, my job situation was less than ideal. The commute was long, the pay was mediocre, and I spent more time writing reports than actually meeting with people. While I cognitively acknowledged and understood all of these things as necessary, they still bothered me. The more I wallowed in my cynicism and fed the disdain that was building in my heart, the more frustrated and intolerant I became. For those of you who don’t know, I quit my job a few months ago. There were a lot of different factors that led up to my decision but, when people asked, I would just say I felt unfulfilled and stagnant, that what I was doing wasn’t worth it and wasn’t amounting to anything, and that it was ultimately putting a strain on my relationship with God. After reflecting on what I was feeling, however, and a few conversations with some wise friends, I’ve come to another set of conclusions and a more honest perspective.
I can say definitively that towards the end of my employment, there was little evidence in my actions or speech that showed any semblance of Christ-likeness. At the time, it was easy to blame my circumstances, my pay, and my clients so I did. It didn’t help that it was pretty easy for people to accept those reasons (or excuses) because I know that many of them were in similar situations. Over and over again I would hear, “Man I wish I could do that,” and maybe I wanted to allow them to live vicariously through me. On top of that, all this frustration and stress fueled my desire to engage in mindless activities and sent me into a downward spiral of amotivation and apathy towards just about everything else in my life. Obviously, this resulted in the neglect of my spiritual life and I further absolved myself of responsibilities at church as well. At the time I thought, “I just need a break from everything, some time to do nothing and just reflect.” At the end of the day though, I had a feeling that there was more to my discontentment and frustration, but I needed the justification and validation. So I went with it.
On the other side of employment, I slowly realized that not much had changed. Aside from the reduction of stress and responsibilities, the frustration and irritability remained. If anything, I allowed myself to further wander into the depths of idleness (if anyone ever wants lessons in being unproductive, I got you covered). You would think that having all of this extra time would lead to a flourishing spiritual life but obviously when I’m not actively investing into that relationship, it wouldn’t make sense to expect any changes in that area of my life. In actuality, I felt even more distant from God. It seems that lying in bed and wallowing around in ambivalence, apathy, and self-indulgence causes some dissonance between the Spirit and the selfish desires of the flesh, who would’ve guessed? Clearly not this loser. Yet, God often has a way making his way into the slimmest crevices our hardened hearts.
Despite my apparent apathy, there were (and still are) those whose salvation for which I am concerned to the point to which my heartaches. When you’ve been a Christian for a while, you will eventually see people who are dear to you leave the faith and, of all, of the things in life, this is one of my greatest fears. Some of my more conservative friends may think I’ve gone over to the charismatic side by saying that a dream (nightmare rather) about that happening again was enough to shake me out of my stupor, to make me realize that I’d lost touch with a fundamental part of my Christian identity. It wasn’t until recently that I was reminded by these wise friends that my problem was that I had forgotten that I am loved by Christ, despite all of my shortcomings, flaws, and sin and that He is the savior, not I.
Wait, what? You might be a little confused as to what this conclusion has to do with me quitting my job and all of my frustrations. Well, it’s because I failed. I failed to bring about change in people’s lives. I failed to uphold my obligations to my church. I failed in my obedience to what God had called me to do. I became preoccupied with myself, too focused on acquiring material possessions and envying the lives of those around me. I was arrogant and prideful, quick to anger and dismissive of others. I failed on so many fronts and I was, ultimately, frustrated with myself - and I projected that blame everywhere else to deflect it away from my utterly depraved heart. I felt unworthy to serve in church and too unclean to do good works. I was powerless to provide hope to my clients, because I had no hope. I was an utter failure and now I am also unemployed. My apathy and ambivalence were born of my desire to not fail any more. You can’t fail if you don’t try. If you think that it’s not worth it, if you don’t think that you can’t accomplish it, why even try? Why should I take the time to do anything for anyone? Because I did not believe I was loved or worthy, I just moped around in my self-pity. The truth is that God has loved me, even in my pathetic state and has continued to provide for me and sustain my faith even when I had given up.
So I guess that brings us to the reality of why I quit my job. While all of my complaints may have had some validity, it was fundamentally a heart issue. I couldn’t do it anymore because I had lost my ability to love. I couldn’t love because I had forgotten that I am loved.
God never said that I had to be perfect to carry out his will, to do good works, or to love others. God never asked me to save the world or be everything for everyone. He knows I won’t live a perfect and sinless life. He is aware of limitations, but He still loves me. He wakes me up every morning and reminds me that my work on Earth is not done. He reminds me that I have a purpose, that my life was worth his death and suffering. Though I will fail sometimes, He still chooses to send me as His representative. My wholehearted effort is all I’ve got to give and I know it won't be “good enough” but I am confident that he will take it and make something beautiful out of it.
If there’s any encouragement that I can give, it’s to hold on, and remember that God isn’t done with you yet. He still loves you. He still has a plan for you.
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
1 John 4: 7-12 (ESV)