Post by: Ryan Tokeshi
Dating. When we hear this word, some of us cringe, some of us roll our eyes, some of us get anxious, and some of us are filled with joy. But for many, it is just that awkward time or season in-between singleness and committed. The search and time many hate being in. But it doesn't have to be that painful state if we approach it with the right mentality. It can be a very joyous and redeeming time. Dating is not for everyone and online dating is not for everyone, but I hope to encourage and shed some light into the subject.
When I was in high school and college dating and relationships were the thing. But for myself not so much. In high school I was very content being single and loved just having a lot of good friends. In college it was practically the same, I loved being single and was much too busy with ministry and schoolwork to be involved in a romantic relationship. I never really started to think about dating or marriage until my last year of undergrad and the years following. It's a little crazy in today's day and age, but for me contentment and striving for personal growth and holiness was everything and a good thing for me. Upon graduation from undergrad I began to pray more about being possibly open to a relationship while holding fast to the contentment of being single. God began to show me how much I valued the security and comfort of singleness. He wanted to show me something great and something that would challenge and push me outside my comfort zone. I feared this and feared a lot of the messiness that comes from relationships.
I remember picking up a book called The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas on the why's of dating and searching for a "sole" mate. It stressed the importance of seeking counsel from others, and to be proactive and intentional when it comes to relationships. The beauty of relationships in a culture that lacks commitment and spiritual father-figures. I also took the book's advice to seek out older brothers and pastors in the church for advice and accountability in this pursuit God was leading me to. I asked for prayer and guidance knowing that it was going to be a journey filled with many challenges. Unfortunately, this is where so many couples and people miss out. We think we can do relationships on our own, but the fact is we cannot. We need God, but we also need the people/church He has provided to us for wisdom and support. So whether single, dating, or married, don't think you can get through it all on your own.
I was advised by elders and pastors to also pick up Timothy Keller's book on The Meaning of Marriage to offer additional insight on the mentality we should be going into when it comes to romantic relationships. It helped set the foundation of what it means to be completely known by God and also fully loved by Him and to mirror that kind of love in a relationship. I loved how Keller mentioned the importance of commitment along with the decline of it in today's society and the Christian's responsibility to preserve it. I was confronted by a couple of questions in the chapter on singleness and marriage:
"What happens if we see the mission of marriage to teach us about our sins in unique and profound ways and to grow us out of them through providing someone who speaks the truth in love to us? How different it would be if we were to fall in love especially with the glorious thing God is doing in our spouse's life?"
[The Meaning of Marriage - Tim Keller Pg 232]
Now, every person's situation is unique and different in its own way. That's the beauty of God and how He works. For myself, my fellowship at my church was very imbalanced in terms of guys and girls. It was something I discussed with my small group and pastor about. They advised me to try out online dating sites and apps, in which they knew friends who have found their spouse through it. After much discussion and prayer I decided to give it a try.
Initially, I was very against the idea of doing something like this. I am very traditional when it comes to meeting and getting to know someone and never thought I would have to resort to an app or site to connect me with someone. It always felt beneath me it. However, God humbled me and taught me that even through a matchmaking machine He is still sovereign and in control. I learned to embrace Him and the counsel of others and made the decision to try out via recommendation the (fairly new at this time) dating app Coffee Meets Bagel.
Some things to know regarding pros and cons of online/app dating
Pros:
-You can interact with people who are single and interested in a relationship
-Great way of meeting people outside your circle of friends or if your circle is very small
Cons:
-No face to face interactions until officially meeting up
-Have to be aware of many fake profiles and meeting strangers, who call themselves "Christian"
Sounds scary, right? But thankfully you are not alone! After a year on the dating app, here are some things that I have learned through my experiences
1. How you approach dating apps and online dating is key
Just like everything, go into dating with the right heart and mindset. Be honest, truthful and yourself. Interests are good to know, but character is what lasts. You are looking for someone to team with in spiritual battle and mission, not a clone of yourself. Be bold and don't be afraid of rejection. It will happen, but it helps us grow. It is okay to take risks. And don't be afraid to ask deep questions. God takes relationships seriously and so should we.
"Become proactive, intentional, and even energetic about finding someone to marry. When God, through Scripture, asks young men, " A wife of noble character who can find?" (Prov 31:10), the entire assumption is that such a pursuit involves a serious search."
The Sacred Search - Gary Thomas Pg. 80
2. Contentment
Be content with the outcome whether something happens or nothing happens. It's all about growing and learning. Find joy and contentment in knowing that we are all part of God's family and that you are privileged to meet new people. Best of all when we are listening to God we can find strength and satisfaction in Him no matter what happens. We can all take heed to the encouragement of Paul when he greatly rejoices in his sufferings and circumstances, because he has found joy in Christ alone.
I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. - Philippians 4:12-13
3. Be committed and know your limits
It is so easy to quit and be discouraged when it comes to online dating or dating in general, but be patient. Our culture prides itself on quick and instant satisfaction. It is also easy to idolize relationships as well. How we stay grounded is to seek accountability and knowing when you need some time away to recenter and refocus through prayer. Relationships take their toll on you physically and emotionally, which is why the Bible tells us to constantly evaluate our heart and intentions.
4. Support your brothers and sisters
One of the biggest blessings of going on dates is to not only making new friends, but being able to support and encourage them, even if they are not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. Staying friends is okay! How we interact and live life with others says a lot about the content of our character. God loves when we encourage and build each other up as singles or as a couple.
Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. Whoever tends a fig tree will eat its fruit, and he who guards his master will be honored. As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects the man. - Proverbs 27:17-19
5. Remember what God desires
We model relationships and interactions around Him. Scripture is the standard, not culture or media. You will meet a lot of people and many profiles online, so it is essential to ask the right questions. If they are not interested in having a conversation about Jesus or care for your spiritual walk, then probably not the best relationship to pursue. Your heart is so valuable, guard it and help others protect theirs.
"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. - Proverbs 4:23
Beautiful people make beautiful marriages. Jesus is the most beautiful person to ever walk the earth. Your best shot at having a beautiful marriage is if both of you make it your goal to become like Jesus. While husbands are told specifically to love like Christ loved, Jesus is the standard for every believer."
You and Me Forever- Francis & Lisa Chan pg 91
It's been an encouragement to talk to sisters about the amazing things God is doing and to be able to support/pray for them in their spiritual journeys. Also a joy to be open to a relationship and to converse with interested people as well. One thing that has been great on meet ups is being able to talk about my testimony. It reminds me so much of how important God is in relationships and to preach the gospel to myself again and again. I learned how beautiful conversations can be when we are intentional and approach everything with understanding and grace.
These relationships that we have may only be for a moment or a short season, but they do leave lasting impressions. What things will you be marked by if you are dating or considering dating? I experienced many meet ups and met a lot of wonderful sisters in Christ. I gave it my all for God's glory and so still I can rejoice that at the end I am single but content. So don't lose hope in all the messiness of relationships. We are able to experience the fullness and redeeming power of relationships when we point and cling to the true and perfect Savior in Jesus.
Ryan Tokeshi is a graduate of University of California Riverside. He studied biology and was involved in the campus ministry Asian American Christian Fellowship. He lives in Monterey Park and a member of Chinese Evangelical Free Church (CEFC). He is currently working for donatelife organization, OneLegacy.