Eirene is Jed Chun's personal blog, hosted by Joy Is Found. It's a reflective blog that he started with the intention of finding joy and renewing his awe of God in his everyday life as well as the places and things that are around him. He explores a variety of topics in relation to faith such as food, mental health, travel and relationships.
I realize that it’s been a while since my last blog post. But it’s not because I haven’t had time or that I didn’t want to write a blog post, I really just couldn’t t get motivated to do it. I guess you could call it an emotional (spiritual) slump. For me, these slumps tend to come in cycles, and probably like everyone else, where there are seasons in my life marked by lack of motivation and I am overcome with apathy. Unfortunately, they also tend to stick around for a while.
But beyond this slump that I’ve been feeling, I’ve been wrestling with some of my deep-seated insecurities, well, insecurity – singular. At the center of it, I’ve come realize that this the primary reason I’ve been feeling so drained, or “out of it”. Like many insecurities, this one comes as a result of bad experiences, self-deprecation, losing hope, a negative view-of-self, and ultimately unhealthy idolatry. I don’t normally like to publicize my struggles (or share them with people in general for that matter) but, as a part of the journey of my own sanctification, and in hopes that someone who reads this will be able to glean something from my experiences, I’ve decided that it would be something worth sharing with y’all (whoever y’all are - and I’ll try my best not to turn this into a pity party by leaving out the “juicy details”).
“So, what is this insecurity that you seem to have such difficulty with, Jed?”
Well I’m glad you asked. It just so happens that I’m a single, 24-year-old dude, who has never dated, and is currently in the process of becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist. And I’ll probably be practicing therapy long before I’m married. I think it’s pretty easy to see where this is going: “Who’s going to listen to some guy who’s got no experience with dating/marriage help fix their current relationship problems?” (Don’t try to stifle your laughter because I know that thought ran through/crossed your mind, at least to some degree). It would make sense (and is probably a valid concern) but, that’s not it. I personally feel like I’ve been aptly trained and educated enough to understand relationships and to provide the services that are expected of me.
“So what’s the issue, Jed? You seem to be quite secure in your competency as a therapist.”
While I might not mind, when it comes to personal issues like this, experience still happens to play an important role for those seeking such help and so it would make sense that I should probably try to get married. It could be that simple, to date for the sake of my career, but the main issue for me personally is that dating/marriage is something that I actually really want, not just because it would make logical sense for someone in this profession (plus dating/marriage for sake of career is not exactly a good foundation for a relationship, I would know). For the sake of brevity, I’ll just reiterate the fact that I’m once again, single, 24-years-old, and have never dated. All these things compound and can pretty much be summed up into one insecurity: I must be undateable.
Perhaps it’s the way that I’ve pursued girls in the past or perhaps I just don’t have the qualities that girls are looking for. But whatever the reason, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to thinking that I’m undateable. So I developed some defensive mechanisms to prevent myself from having to admit that I’m insecure. Among those mechanisms includes the creation of an endless list of nearly impossible traits and characteristics that I had to find in one person. These traits were loosely based on those of a person that I liked for the longest time, and so I used these requirements as a justification/rationalization – “I’m single because I haven’t met the person who fulfills a-b-c-d-x-y-z.” Basically the perfect girl. But, newsflash, perfect significant other’s don’t exist because perfect people don’t exist – except Jesus.
Anyway, now that my insecurity has been hashed out a bit, I guess y’all are expecting some kind of life changing epiphany or something, well too bad – still struggling. Really. But, I do have some insight that I want to leave you with. Something that has helped me reframe my insecurities, and hopefully can help you reframe yours too - whatever they may be.
Throughout this whole period of wrestling, I think I’ve isolated the root of the problem. The problem is that I’ve created an idol out of marriage, and consequently, dating. This in turn lead to the idolization of the “perfect” girlfriend. Now, don’t get me wrong. Marriage is an amazing God ordained thing - but like all good things, when it distracts us (Christians) from Christ, it becomes a hindrance rather than a blessing. And by idol, I don’t necessarily mean something that you’re bowing down to and worshiping (though in a spiritual sense it might as well be). I mean that I’ve been placing too high of a value on the idea dating and being in a relationship.
So how exactly does this idealization of dating, relationships, and marriage relate to my insecurities? It might very well be that I am undateable, but it is only an insecurity because it bothers and concerns me so much that I am still single. To put it simply, I would not care about being dateable if I was not concerned about being in a relationship. “Wow, some insight Jed, a fifth grader could’ve figured that out.” I’m aware that this clearly isn’t a novel idea or concept. But the important part is prioritizing it correctly and (this is the insight part) for me at this moment, it really isn’t something that I should be all that concerned about.
I’m only 24, I have plenty of time. I’m about to become a practicing therapist, I would hope for the sake of my future clients that I’m trying to becoming the best darn therapist I can be. I should be focusing on establishing a good daily routine by sleeping on time and managing my schedule better so that I’ll be ready for working life. I should be focusing more on how I can effectively teach my Sunday school class and be a good role model for the college students I advise. I should be doing these things instead of staying up and moping about how l wish someone would give me the emotional attention that I think that I deserve. I should be developing the discipline that I’ll need to manage time and finances so that I’ll be able to have (God willing) and support my future spouse and family instead of spending frivolously on things that I think will temporarily numb the emptiness that I feel sometimes.
Ultimately, I should be focusing on how I can become more like Christ, how to build a deeper more meaningful relationship with Him, because in the end, he’s going to be the only thing that matters. It comes down to what’s important, and for me (as a Christian) it really should be Christ. Because when I feel insecure, it is because I have forgotten the promises of God and the wonders of His love and the price with which He purchased my life. I think the majority of Psalm 139 sums up my thoughts quite nicely:
Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 [How amazing are your thoughts concerning me], God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.