Post By: Jed Chun
Recently, I’ve become aware that the phrase “fake it till you make it” has been making its way into my conversations a lot more. It’s so easy to say and versatile to boot. I often find myself using it as an encouragement for someone to work through a job they don’t like, as reminder for someone to show up to a social gathering to keep up appearances, and, for others, as a motivational phrase to help them stay on top of their school work. But really, how useful/encouraging can this phrase be when it basically only summarizes what the recipient was probably going to do anyway? The contexts in which I’ve used “fake it till you make it” in have all been slightly different but the underlying message is the same: bury your angst/unrest and do what you need to do or should be doing. Personally, I think there is a place for it as a funny, roll-off-the-tongue phrase to make light of things. However, after reflecting on it a bit, I realized that it, at best, inadequately conveys the message that I wanted to get across and is also a bit escapist.
Now, I might not be a psychologist or relationship expert or anything, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I think the majority of people often look to their friends, family, community, and significant others for things like encouragement and support (Crazy right? I would’ve never guessed). Needless to say that that’s probably what they’re looking for when they decide to share some of the things they’ve been struggling with with you. I’ve definitely been guilty of saying “fake it till you make it” on more than one occasion to a friend of mine who has been trying hard to balance her work life. She took the time to share with me a few paragraphs worth of her struggles and how she’d been feeling and I basically replied, “Well, that sucks but sometimes we just gotta fake it till we make it.” Seems a bit disingenuous doesn’t it, especially considering that I believe that sharing in people’s burdens is one of my responsibilities as a Christian (Gal 6:2) and that providing emotional support is part of my job description as a therapist.
The reality was that at that specific moment, I was too busy worrying about my own issues and problems to give a more thought out and meaningful response, so I took the easy way out and effectively ended that conversation. My friend has not called me out on it, thankfully, but I felt like I had given her the short end of the stick. As a friend, is this the type of consideration I should be giving her? If I had been in that situation, would I have wanted to hear that? If I had valued my friend the way I should have, I’m absolutely certain that my response would have been different (Phil 2:3-4). Now, before you label me the worst friend and therapist ever (though that might be slightly warranted), there was, in fact, a part of me that did genuinely care – otherwise I would’ve just ignored her completely. Compare “Hey do what you gotta do, fake it to you make it” to “Man, I understand where you’re coming from. It sounds like it’s taking a lot of effort to do your best, but don’t give up yet you can do it!” Needless to say, you, probably, like most other people, would feel more encouraged by the second sentence – I know I sure would.
But, how often do we give people such as our friends, family, and even significant others our leftover attention? (The same can be said of our relationship with God, but that’s a blog post for another day.) It certainly is not very loving of us to only care when it is convenient to us. At the end of the day, caring for someone and giving them genuine encouragement is not something you can fake into reality. We can’t fake friendships until we make them, nor can we fake love until it just happens. All of these things require effort and sincerity. I’m not saying that you have to remove “fake it till you make it” from your vocabulary, but I honestly think that we should take the time to consider how each of us, through interactions both big and small, could be a blessing to others.
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith." (Galatians 6:9-10 ESV)
Jed Chun is a registered Marriage and Family Therapist Intern and is actively involved at a Chinese American church in the San Gabriel Valley. He is passionate about bringing the concepts of healthy family development and relationships into the context of Asian immigrant and Asian American communities. He hopes that through his words, his experiences in his faith, and his journey with God can be an encouragement to others to love God and love one another.